I’ve been terribly lost these past months.
Heaps of energy loss, mixed with a pinch of existential depression, and a whole lot of questions on what the hell is going on in the world.
And, what my role in all this is. After all, I’m just a tiny nobody behind a laptop (I’m not, I know I’m not, but knowledge doesn’t always translate to feeling as you’ve probably experienced yourself once or twice or a million times over).
Periods like these are not new in my life. Nor do I consider them as bad. They’re the growing pains that come from trying to be as open-minded and open-hearted as possible. No shields, no brick walls, no masks, and no self-contained glittery pink bubbles of light and love.
Because how will I ever be able to give if I’m not able to receive?
At least, that has been the question.
But…as the newsflashes on terrorist attacks, mass shootings, white nationalist rallies, famine, sexual abuse, threats of nuclear war, and natural disasters (and this includes politics at the moment) kept being fired off with the speed of the machine gun bullets we’ve heard so much about lately, I’ve been wondering whether or not it might indeed be wiser for little ol’ introverted and empathic me to hole up in a cave somewhere and just sit the rest of my life out on my own.
(Btw, please tell me it’s not just me who feels this way at the moment!)
And then I remembered…all the times I had holed myself up in my lovely house in the Netherlands, or the weeks I spend mainly looking out over the ocean in Lesbos, or the hills in Sicily…all the while being quite content on my own with my own thoughts and feelings and only distracted by the occasional call with a friend or chat with the lady at the supermarket or owner of the restaurant I liked to eat at.
Good times. Good to be me times. But not good enough.
Because if I truly let the pain of the world enter my heart, and when I truly stop and focus on the beauty that is being human and alive, then doing nothing is not an option. So even if I’m not yet fully sure how (though it will be along the lines of this…)… And even though I’ve not yet really found my voice and platform in all this… I want to do everything I possibly can to make the bullets and fear disappear from as many lives as possible.
My way. And just because I can.
I hope you are with me.